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(ramble) [04 Jun 2009|10:16am]
so a curious thing this morning.
i was supposed to go to the "hotel" room (really a dorm room) that my housemate nic and two other people rented for the weekend, i was supposed to go to it sometime around 3am to catch some sleep to be ready for today. given that, well come roughly midnight it was already a full 24 hours i was up straight.

ha. couldn't sleep :-P



actually, a mixture of things, of which i can identify just two right now.. ?
- the towards-a-more-spiritual direction that i got last night, after talking with (and sparing six bucks) for a recently-homeless man; at this point i /finally/ started to sink into elements of the spritiuality that being in downtown toronto can have for me
- and, off course, sleep-deprivation


last year, i told myself that i wouldn't watch the pride parade for the following year, since it seemed far too similar with each passing year. in fact, i tired of it last year and in the middle of it went to hear lesbians read out (often political -- gotta love those lesbians for that!) poetry and fiction :-P

i'm going to stick to that, since it makes me all smug to feel all special like that or something (ha?),
` but one interesting thing that i saw.
` i ended up leaving the "hotel" so early, that i actually got to see three good-lookign young men [roughly my age, that is], done up in neon orange with yellow Xs across their chests and rugged work gloves,
` they was actually putting up the barrier of metal fences.

kinda cool!

there was also different minivans painted with logos of various TV stations.. and police officers and perhaps even emergency response team workers all preparing; signs, too, i saw, "you are NOT ALLOWED to emergency park on this side of the road!" or something like that.
` and it made me think,
` wow,
a lot sure probably goes under the hood to make the logistics all fit together. what acomplishment of such a complex and large systems!, i thought. what a remarkable feat!

there also was a kind of geometric beauty to it all... the defining of space slowly being created [does this happen in games of GO, for example?], cars simultaneously being restricted in their movement, but their flow they creat still striking me as content, happy, undisturbed, unstrained -- and they would flow (from where i was watching) behind one fence mostly made and in front of a few scattered fences not put together yet.

[[` it's not the elements in abstraction.
` it's always the elements in dynamic movement, relation, context.]]




i also had this urge to pause twice, on my way to the country style [ie the last post talked about feelings from being there], pausing for kind of meditations of aesthetic beauty.
` -- and you know what? it's /this/ kind of thing that is largely what i feel more whole and Created and Given-World by, when i have the good fortune of finally being able to enjoy and indulge in such states.. .

- the first was a kind of wow of water flowing over concrete, how ripples were created within it, how it would push over the grooves where blocks meet, how it .. expanded. no, not THAT it expanded -- such is a terribly abstract and unemotional thing to say. no, it's the .. remarkable .. strange .. feeling that it even DOES exapand, that ANYthing, really, can even happen -- time ? time and flowchance ?
` i put my fingers upon a stream in a groove close by, wanting, hoping, to invite by touch some feeling kind towards it, to taste it in even other ways.. . and i did. the water molecules -- what strange phenomenon that they flow, infinite collisions and sure models model it but the thousands of million calculastion that happen.. as osmethign ir ead once, nature does not forget to make a calculation!
` it feels to me that such infintie amont of calculations being possible, somehow divides by zero and CREATES LIFE -- something far beyond mere calculations. beauty ? chaos and purity? i'm not sure;
` but it was a happy thing to even find myself sinking into a kind of happy meditative exercise or moment -- and not thinking of "how well" this moment was. surely, i didn't get very deep in meditation, bu tthere was an enjoyment even THAT i was attracted to it, you know? and furthermore that -- against possible traps of cruelty of doubt -- that is omehow JUST WAS there, my awful mind turned off enough or somoe spark of chance active, that i knelt down and enjoyed.

- (gh, only four mintues left to my internet terminal!) so there was this BIIIG building, skyrise, beautiful -- i leaned back.. then down on one knee.. then all the way down, leaning back on one arm. near the top third, was a single pride flag -- airplane height it might as well have been, it seemed so high! and it was flutterin in the wind -- slight given how small it was, but a kind of strange state of consciousness it began to induce..; few birds [so so so small!] intermitently flew in wafty arcs .. intermittent enough to feel kind of warmly austerley ehtereal o rstrange...;
` and the beauty of such foreshadowing.. plus the LARGENSS of it all
` -- is it like surrnder
` to something greater than you?
finally
` surrendierng
to some faith of beauty
even though you could never prove it?

is that from where i find happiness?
does it realte to teh impossible spark made psosible, when life is created,

or when happiness or suggestion of spirutality even s/starts/ to flow within me , downtown?



oh, how amazing my first pride was.
and when i began to really express myself, flamboyantly and proud.

not that no more,

but oh, what meoments and scenes history has held, yeah..?

(very ramble) [04 Jun 2009|09:19am]
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(very ramble) [01 Jun 2009|04:23am]
do we men -- whatever vibrations that exist (and exist despite our awareness or non-awareness, misguided prideful coldness or yielding tender touches that offer a feeling of security and co-presence) within us that create our souls -- ...

... do we men
inside, spiritually, (whether we are in a state to realize it or not)
seek
some kind of warmth of shade,

` a room of shade, where no judgement lays,
and a place where we may see some clarity. or at least feel the presence of Clarity in the room with us, comforted that at least it exists cosmically.
` .. and in this place, our demons and fears finally are ripped from us and left outside.

i know i, myself, may yearn for such a place. (place: it seems that i only understand myself's existence in the context of me being in some kind of place).
` when relatively unclouded, undistracted, i hear
` some kind of soothing something, in the timbre .. its fact of existence -- like a comforting presence of a friend that is not ashamed to be there beside me when needed -- , within the voices of Linkin Park, Billy Talent, Avenged Sevenfold.. even Rise Against or Disturbed or even Lamb of God. [i wonder, if i were to really look into this, which of these would i really recognize as friends like fondness of nostalgia..?]

` track 8 of Meteora, track 3 of Hybrid Theory.. these two songs recently played on my mp3 player.Read more... )

(very ramble) [30 May 2009|05:03am]
[ music | lots of Rise Against ]

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[28 May 2009|06:12am]
i still heart avenged sevenfold VERY MUCH.
cd "warmness on the soul" has four tracks.

i'd rearrange the order of them.
[to be:
1. to end the rapture [heavy metal version]
2. darkness surrounding
3. warmness on the soul [single version]
4. we come out at night

(the actual recording is "we come out at night", "darkness surrounding", "warmness on the soul", "to end the rapture".
]


"to end the rapture", for me, sets up the other songs; i imagine end times scent in the air, and all the significance that sheds to /everything/ (like in science fiction films?). kind of awe-somely, awe-of-God, we-are-but-small-creatures beautiful? (".. angels sing of the end .. [...] .. human race prepares to die.").

"darkness surrounding" and "we come out at night" are (in some sense) stylistically similar -- the messy growling (canine or animal-like creature, i have come to relate to it as) for most of the beginning of each track; and then clearly-articulated, as-if-memory-of-humans [?] clearly-sung-in-pitch singing, skilled and nightengale clear (esp by contrast to the growling), and almost achingly delicate [?] against hte background of these end times (end times in which the fragility of humankind (esp in our culutraly tunnel-vision and worries of day to day business) and the illusion of stable time, these facts being en-lightened; .. and we finally sink deep into the depth of the cosmos and the meaning of its greatness..?) ... .

"warmness on the soul", some m ight say is stylistically like piano ballad... ; on its own it might sound like some romantic [or at least gentle, and Romantic / full-of-feeling] song.
` in the context of "to end the rapture", though, there's some kind of beauty here that i really like -- some kind of eternity that mere mortals can create; spark of divine love possible by the giving and surrendering of mere mortals in our even shortsighted dimension. the sentiemtnal feeling of memory and uncontinoal love -giving, .. ; somehow as
` like a ghost or smoke of flame
` or impact someone makes and /memories/ .. ? or just some kind of Beauty in very Time or Story watching and having watched?
` .. that the giving up
` of yourself
` when found some kind of /real blessful Love/.. ?

yeah, somehow it seems to make strong and strength/hope [infinite, in a way], out of that whcih is finite. but that is what Story potential the Creator has created us -- by our nature and the threads the Creator wove in us -- to be able to create / discover / stumble upon ... .





PS
ever since i discovered them at musicfest, i've been *very significantly* loving Billy Talent, too. wow ! such good music, and so different from one another / charactersitic, the three bands i've come to really love now (Linkin Park, a7x, billy tallent) -- "wow", to find THREE bands i totally feel affinity deep enough to feel warm and comforting and held by some Time-hugging-me being-held-and-seen hug-as-i-sleep.. .

(ramble) [26 Apr 2009|08:45am]
for most of the bathhouse time today, i was trying to reconcile / feel okay / un- menatal dissonance .. my time there, by saying "well, i guess i'm not confident today, and i guess i'm not horny today, and i guess i'm not very social mood today".

but then i phoned a friend on a payphone there and talked with him for about forty minutes.
and a change of experience / context, when i then hung up and went back to bathhouse setting, my behaviour changed.

i suspect that my attitude plays a large part in my experiences within a bathhouse. not that my attitude is fully in my control [and it /is/ affected by ltos of environmental factors (even st marc's bathhouse now being /such/ a familiar envirionment that it's almost starting to get old -- that is a factor)], and not that my attitude is the entire factor, but ...

` you see, today ? most of it was pathetic. oh, if i think mainly about the pathetic threads there, it almost seems silly it's so pathetic. men walking around, showing no vulenerability, being all so afraid to make contact but reacting with a kind of superiority [?] or "i don't really need to notice others and me ? feel bad or strange or against-the-grain-of-what-i-yearn-for to just ignore ? no, not me!" reaction that is typical and easy to have when you are realizing you're so afraid to make contact ("e`h, i didn't really want to make contact with anyone here /anyways/")
` -- pathetic pathetic pathetic.
` it's understandable and easy to fall into and i don't blame anyone there for going into it [hell, how could i, esp when *I* was just as much in it!] but it's pathetic because heck, it is going our very desires and yearnings when BEING in a bathhouse in the first place!

and so in all the awkawrdness and inconfidence [where WERE all the confident men today?!! usually there are a good handful of them!], we resort to tired and unimaginative [and most importantly, unsatisfying] "conventions". conventions like "keep your door open and lie face down if you're a bottom, lie face up if you're a top". and men'll just disappointedly stay for hours like that.
` THIS IS TOTALLY NOT WHAT WE WANT! nor is it what /potential/ there is!


on my most enjoyable bathhouse nights? i (for some reason, somehow) find myself being a spark of play, imagination, curisoity, friendliness ... just .. /not/ all the pathetic that i and so many others were today!
` and i like to think that of the men i sexually fool around with, most of them find it interseting, and some refreshing, the kind of sexual contact i make with them. sexual contact that is sparked with .. what ? .. a kind of
` natural curiosity of mine to /see the MAN himself/,
` and bring up conversation in soft and inviting tones (or so i try!), and
` behave in a way that /isn't/ all so "we're in a bathhouse so we have to not be free and open about what we're feeling and thinking and what we want, and we're strangers so we have to be all unsure around each other" ugh! for god's sake, it's a freakin' BATHHOUSE. the POINT is to have contact!

my sexual contact is much infused with the very same kind of stuff as my yearnings of friendship or my interest in meeting new people is infused with: this desire for contact. for freedom. for something more than the goddamn social-fear and social-awkwardness and non-contact and keep-to-yourself that permeates our culture! GOD! my whole basis for my yearnings, sexual or otehrwise, in a bathhouse, is for REAL CONTACT. it's /that/ stuff that makes me feel happy and satisified in a good bathhouse night!


the rest really is just a jumble of disconnected '(ramble)' right now.. .
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so i /was/, ntil the last two hours or so, thinking that maybe i ccould think of this particular bathhouse night as not somethign to feel /totally/ bad about, since i DID read (or re-read) some stuff on NLP, and a few pages of "The Optmistic Child" -- and enjoyed the success in reading that i got in the experience, my brain working na dmy interest being noted and ACTIVE and /creating/ experience -- ...
` and also that i found a REALLY QUIRKY and REALLY COOL kids-show for-adults called "The Hilarious House of Frightenstein" on Space [they have cable TV at St Marc's],

... but it turned out that more did happen. gladly! shows what a little change in attitude [thanks, this time, to a break in thoughts and context that a phone call gave] can do, i suppose...?

(ramble) [26 Apr 2009|08:32am]
i can see that i am a junkie. crave crave crave.
` like now? one of my favourite avenged sevenfold songs, "Unbound",
` and feeling refreshed from a hot-water place (the bathhouse) and out in "normal" society but with a little pounce-energy for while it lasts and to whatever degree it is (pounce-energy ? kind of like irrational red energy that needs no reason or justification to exist, it just likes existsing) to spasm and jitter along with the music playing on my mp3 player -- pounce-energy, like the thought of a ball of energy or attitude that creates, burns possibly, something on the canvass [not that i'm that brave enough right now, but it's in that direction]),
` something of the relaxation of all that hot water and what happened within the last hour [and making me want to lj],

` the avenged sevenfold song "Unbound" now i can hear a little bit (a little bit) of what i would hear upon those very first listenings, that i didn't hear at all today; and in hearing it, it is a kind of experience of freedom, a kind of irrational not-needed-to-be-analysed "you're alright!" relaxedness, not self-doubt or being bad-disturbed;

` the timbre and forward-pressing-onwards of the lead singer's voice, the sense of /expression/ and male urgency and /desire/ and a kind of EARNESTNESS in that forward-pressing timbre, earnest genuine something raw and not calculated, so as for the walls that hide ourselves breaking down and we get to taste what humanness is like...


... junkie, junkie for that kind of thing. i crave such experiencing.

[fire is not consistant and stable like earth; it even is less stable than air or water; fire can burn out, it comes unexpectedly -- but it has spark and idea and passion and creativity, idealism and imagination. i've always seen myself fire-water associated; sanguine-melancholy ? .
` so i have tendancy to muse in fire-y ways. terribly inconsistent. but it could be put to good use.
` i may one day learn to channel and harness this tendancy of mine into more consitent [and even /producing/!] ways?]

[12 Apr 2009|04:31am]
hm, i guess i have to find another 24-hour location to kill time here, downtown. you see, the 24-hour mcdonald's that i like going to, ... well, it got closed because of a fight that happened about an hour ago. good news is that i'm guessing the guy who got hit over his head with a chair (and bled pretty badly) will be alright; he was conscious and talking to the paramedics as they bandaged him up and wheeled him out. ("this is the worst" the guy unhappily said to the paramedics just before he was wheeled out. "naw," the paramedic replied back, "the worst is the dead guy we carried off two hours ago".)


from what i overheard the (17ish ? years old) female server [who knew why the fight broke out] tell the police officer, it had something to do with an argument about who was in line first. *sigh* i wonder if the guys were drunk or something, i don't know; but anger can escalate quickly out of control for some guys, can't they.
` that girl was brave, though... she probably wasn't thinking [do most of us, when things like this happen?], but she was getting in between them, shouting out "no fighting! no fighting! stop fighting!"... /she/ got hit (lightly) in the head with the chair, too, in trying to break up the fight.

four other guys who were in line, they all were trying to hold back the guys who were punching etc, too.

and one gay guy, he called 911 ("is an ambulance on its way?" he asked me, about 3 minutes after the other three guys fled and the guy was on the ground, holding a jacket or something over his bleeding head (given to him by one of the guys who were trying to hold the fighting men away from each other). "the manager said yes [when i asked her], but if you feel better you can phone 911 [to get an ambulance] too, it can't hurt. they'll tell you if they already got the call for it". so he did.
` ha... and once the police came but before the paramedics came, he told me (with a little bit of nervous humour), "and i got a good look at three of the four guys [who were in the fight], because i was checking them out". the police didn't ask for descriptions, though (i think) the gay guy offered to. guess a brawl like that is not that important to try to arrest the guys, or maybe it's that there are cameras in mcdonald's.. .




the rest of this post is just ramble about my own reaction, and noticing how i looked at people differently after the event.. and thinking about what events that disrupt social normalacy seem to fire people with reaction and curiosity.. .

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----

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[28 Mar 2009|07:11pm]
i think i'm falling in love again.

it first happened with linkin park.
i thought i possibly was warming up to evanescence in the same way. but it wasn't so. evanescence is good company, don't get me wrong.

but i just have a really different feeling about avenged sevenfold, you know? it's kinda like.. "you really know", you know? instead of hoping it might grow into something and kinda enjoying their company, instead with avenged sevenfold, he just makes me all tingly and relaxed and excited all at the same time, and every day i seem to fall more and more deeply into his mysterious richness. he's just so fascinating, and i don't even have to try -- it's all so involuntary, his spell on me!


it's strange. country music will always be my roots, and my first love. that's the land i belong in, my hometown. but no one location in country music is a place i'm in love with -- the land of Country Music all comes together for me as a whole.

but now that i'm travelling to different places and meeting these new figures and new people -- strange, interesting, unfamiliar people --, i find that some just wrap me up with such intriguing spells. sure, none of them ever seem to have exactly the depth and comfort of my hometown, but i keep on sensing that they have a characteristic depth of their own, which i might never appreciate the same way i can for my hometown, but yet that enriches and delights me.


one really curious thing about avenged sevenfold is that it blends some country music elements (/and/ videogame music elements) into that edgy electric guitar sound i love so much. and then it seems to blend aspects i knew of myself but never heard in any other music ever before -- like the way various vocal lines overlap each other. i always thought of this element even back in early high school, but never saw it in any actual music. who knew that avenged sevenfold was using that technique all this time?




is this head-in-the-clouds blinded love? will i find that the sparkle will dull after some time?
or is this tingle i felt in the past few days grow into depth like i suspect it might? and become a love as strong as linkin park became for me..?
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(neg) [21 Mar 2009|10:20am]
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(somewhat neg) (ramble) [21 Mar 2009|05:45am]
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[19 Mar 2009|07:57am]
what a difference there is between high quality and low quality nail polish!

putting on the five dollar silver nail polish from shoppers drug mart (actually which was marked down from 7.50$) was a pleasure. well, off course my hand was a mess with smeared nail polish across my skin and the job i did on my nails was not that great, but that's only 'cause it was my first time ever trying to put on nail polish. it was actually kind of fun, though, playing around with the amount of product i'd leave on the brush, and becoming more aware of the shape and presence and my-ownership of my nails; and it was kind of a relaxing meditative process, too. to boot, i did dishes with the silver nail polish dried, and none of it came off.

the black nail polish was crap, though, and i'm going to see if i could return it. it was two bucks from wal-mart. it was so thin that it required huge globs of it to be anything but a kind of dark purple; the thinness made it hard to paint the full nail all the way to the cuticle making the nail look unmasculine/weak/unexpressive; and even after it dried, it still was sticky!


i'm rather pleased about the result of the silver; and i think it might look good with the black, too, if i got a better brand. [oh, yeah; the plan was to have the nails on my right hand all black, except my ring finger which would be silver; and the inverse for my left hand.]
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[16 Mar 2009|08:34am]
my goodness. i'm tired.. or should be. certainly my body is and my mind is following suit.
that was a good 36ish hours in downtown toronto, though; it really was!
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[13 Mar 2009|05:09am]
el oh el indeed!! ^_^

so i was on youtube looking for a tutorial to do heavy metal growling.
the first below is a tutorial i found by someone who is in a band called overthrow.
the second is a very interesting cover by the guy who did the tutorial. in the description for the video, he writes: "Man... I got really bored.. You don't even know.".




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[13 Mar 2009|04:21am]
ramon tonight introduced me to about ten songs by the musical group evanescance.
i may have found the next group that i'll fall in love with, since linkin park.

---

interestingly, i didn't like linkin park all that much when i first listened to them. but you know, it just took some time for me to develop an ear to appreciate them. just as some forms of art rely on conventions to enable them to express what they do so well, i'm finding that various genres of music often ask the listener to listen to them with a certain ear; one obstacle that people (myself included) get stuck in is listening to one type of music through the expectations/conventions of another.

but with evanescence, it helps that a LOT of what makes linkin park so personally powerful for me, has very strong parallels with the music ramon showed me!

it was a good time of lisetning to the music together. i love how ramon and me have shared a few good cozy-in-bed chatting / listening to music / watching movies etc time together since started living together in september.


oh, and as a tangent: rock band is really helping expand my musical tastes. it's brilliant how the videogame experience can -- in a very real, genuine way -- heighten an appreciation for the tastiness in the timbres of drum rhythms or guitar solos [and the expertise required to play them well].
` while none of what i listened to there grip me as strongly or significantly as country music / linkin park (or videogame music / concert band music), there's stuff i really do like from what i've heard. especially, i'm curious about exploring more music by lamb of god and rise against.
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[04 Mar 2009|01:26pm]
i'm going a little crazy. i need peopel who won't freak out over that. but nic didn't.

in the shower just twenty minutes ago, i found msyelf beltin gout (LOUDLY) linkin park and metal songs from rock band ("laid to rest", "down with the sickness", probably others), sort of derangedly ? skipping over some lyrincs i couldn't remember. i was feeling a little sick to my stoach and a little empty, too, but i just kind of bent myself forward to eae some of the pain and /continued/ to belt out the lyrics and be loud in the shower, as if it was the only thing i was grasping onto and had to grasp onto. so even with the dizziness that i've been under since last night, I JUST KEPT ON BELTING OUT THE LYRICS and singing loudly and kind of harshly.

but those freaks who make the music dont' judge me. as i told nic after i showered, i realize that i'm clinging desperately onto death metal and metal and nu-metal righ tnow, with it's compassioante non-judgment and maleness that i need so badly. some good kind space to be in, i'm clinging onto it for sanity right now. so that even when i'm bent over in teh shower because my stoamch is feling a little ill, and though the world is spinning with a sureality like when you have a cold; i do't think and i don't worry, i just BELT OUT LOUDLY.

nic's room is conected to teh washroom. i stunbled into his room (naked) breathing heavily, becuase i was getting hyperventalating from the steam, and i was breathing heavily and i don't quite remember what i said, but nic didn't freak out.

and i needed to not have to hide this very erratic and kind of honestly going-crazy behaviour. i didn't need to hide; and i could jsut SAY things to nic, and nic didn't freak out. (differnet htan what i feel frommy doctgor, rejected i feel, etc. or society in general). i just /can't/ fucntion normally in society right now with their expectations of how you should behave, and i /now/ that this strangeenss i'm in is eeded to manifest before i can get better. so i thank my heavy music for being a space for me.

and nic is going to help me make cream of wheat. then i'm goign to take my pilolls.


this is a /better /place to be in. this movement and the desperate sawaying in the shower and belting (if i'm dizzy, whell that 's moveemtn ! that mixes into the loudness of lythe lyrics, so it is made still okay enough).


i phoned the friend i'm going to meet up with todya, and he's no stranger to abnormality, and so he listened and didn't freka out, "sounds good, dave" he said.

so i'm glad i'm getting this kernels bits of support right now.



i rock myself back and forth like the crazy people do, as i type, to calm myself or -- yeah, to let msyelf know that to not thin or owrry. just move as i want, strong movmenet of heavy music.





the things that happened with my doctor this past month have really hit me hard in a way. it feels like my lifelinehas dissolved.
but yesterday was worrying.
i'd rather be insane (literally, if you see me right now, youwould know that i'm .. going a little crazy). but that's okay by nic. he's helping me make cream of wehate. today is for grasping onto santity with the music by linkin park and lamb of god and avenged sevenfold and such.



i was okay to -- in between gasps of breath -- try to verbalize some ideas of what to do. eat something with nic, and you'll help me, right? and take the pills, maybe they'll help. and dont' worry, ramon, this state that i'm in is me keeping onto sanity, and is WAY better than having it all implode on me. and one good thing about freaks like me is that at least i can listen to others who arne't "nrmla", sometimes, .. .




with the malenes sof the music and the compassion woven in between it, it's a better plce
don't kjno what today will bring but i want to thrash my way into it, instead of being paralyizsed, FUCK THAT ! FUCK PARALYSIS! les't thrash.





i dressed myself. sock, pants, and don't children love the feeling of dressing themselveS? yeah, i'm alright, like child?
cream of wehat might be comforting. nic will help me make it so i don't have to worry so much about it, it'll get made, don't woryr.


go up, go up, it'll be okay. rock myself and i kjnow i'm repeating myself, but you know what,


becuase i was allowed to not have to hid e myself, i' more able to feel allowed to feel more calm /when i'm naturlaly ready/. listend to green grass and high tides video with nic. he asked some questions about ricok band game. it was nice. that is a good some. it's a favouritate at baos', too. i like ti too. southern song about a land wher esome knowing-you exists. where you can play music and see behind peole's faces.




okay, i guess i dont' have to be ormal todya. so i can just be whatever. let's thrahs upstairs, or something .nic is goign to be there to help me make cream of wheat. cream of wheat, so i dont' have to worry so much.




maybe with food and pills , in a few days, this dizziness will stop.

(ramble) (neg) [04 Mar 2009|10:02am]
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[26 Feb 2009|08:38pm]
i record it here as a kind of noting it, pointing it out.
but what happened thanks to Sina running into his law school friend at no frills today, with me there? all three of us? and the energy i got from it and how it seemed to distract me and eventually gave me some gesture and flair while getting the last box of oreos before meeting them at checkout?

and with me /enjoying/ and /letting/ my impulse to make conversation with a cute guy and quietly delighting inside that the relays of energies between the three of us was /working/ and producing new?

*that*, perhaps, ties in with some of the things mrs nugent told me after i wrote the previous post.

[and btw, i am damn f*cking lucky to have mrs nugent in my life. with people who know how to care for me like her, ... well, it's a reason to hope that maybe i can heal from my past and have a good life ahead. but one thing she helped me think is that *i need support* and that's /okay/. it's okay and normal to not be able to make it without help. and anyone who expects otherwise doesn't know what they're talking about. it's just impossible to do it, otherwise.]



i'm still weary, i know, but i point to those few things in livejournal b/c they're factual nonetheless.

i told mrs nugent that my goal is just to try to get through this day. and i'm going to make that goal. don't need to think about what i'll do for tomorrow, i'm valid as i am [i write that, only half believing it]. but this IS a difference from the last three days.


i know i've struggled in recovering from very bad days in the past. that's fine. i will many times in the future. but every mini-crisis needed support to be able to have /any/ reason to hope or keep on moving again. it's okay, mrs nugent says, it's okay [can i repeat it many times?], it's okay to need support.



in the next few days, i might have some real typing to do (or something) dealing with the aftereffects of the past three days, etc, but for now there's a drag show that'll be on in a few hours; and currently in the library there's a really gorgeous guy across from me and to my right, whose presence is making me feel alright. these are fantastic things. (fantastic things that i can even /feel/ -- to whatever degree -- the positive and nourishing effect of attraction again).

(neg) [26 Feb 2009|07:42am]
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(partially neg) [20 Feb 2009|04:21am]
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