so a curious thing this morning.
i was supposed to go to the "hotel" room (really a dorm room) that my housemate nic and two other people rented for the weekend, i was supposed to go to it sometime around 3am to catch some sleep to be ready for today. given that, well come roughly midnight it was already a full 24 hours i was up straight.
ha. couldn't sleep :-P
actually, a mixture of things, of which i can identify just two right now.. ?
- the towards-a-more-spiritual direction that i got last night, after talking with (and sparing six bucks) for a recently-homeless man; at this point i /finally/ started to sink into elements of the spritiuality that being in downtown toronto can have for me
- and, off course, sleep-deprivation
last year, i told myself that i wouldn't watch the pride parade for the following year, since it seemed far too similar with each passing year. in fact, i tired of it last year and in the middle of it went to hear lesbians read out (often political -- gotta love those lesbians for that!) poetry and fiction :-P
i'm going to stick to that, since it makes me all smug to feel all special like that or something (ha?),
` but one interesting thing that i saw.
` i ended up leaving the "hotel" so early, that i actually got to see three good-lookign young men [roughly my age, that is], done up in neon orange with yellow Xs across their chests and rugged work gloves,
` they was actually putting up the barrier of metal fences.
kinda cool!
there was also different minivans painted with logos of various TV stations.. and police officers and perhaps even emergency response team workers all preparing; signs, too, i saw, "you are NOT ALLOWED to emergency park on this side of the road!" or something like that.
` and it made me think,
` wow,
a lot sure probably goes under the hood to make the logistics all fit together. what acomplishment of such a complex and large systems!, i thought. what a remarkable feat!
there also was a kind of geometric beauty to it all... the defining of space slowly being created [does this happen in games of GO, for example?], cars simultaneously being restricted in their movement, but their flow they creat still striking me as content, happy, undisturbed, unstrained -- and they would flow (from where i was watching) behind one fence mostly made and in front of a few scattered fences not put together yet.
[[` it's not the elements in abstraction.
` it's always the elements in dynamic movement, relation, context.]]
i also had this urge to pause twice, on my way to the country style [ie the last post talked about feelings from being there], pausing for kind of meditations of aesthetic beauty.
` -- and you know what? it's /this/ kind of thing that is largely what i feel more whole and Created and Given-World by, when i have the good fortune of finally being able to enjoy and indulge in such states.. .
- the first was a kind of wow of water flowing over concrete, how ripples were created within it, how it would push over the grooves where blocks meet, how it .. expanded. no, not THAT it expanded -- such is a terribly abstract and unemotional thing to say. no, it's the .. remarkable .. strange .. feeling that it even DOES exapand, that ANYthing, really, can even happen -- time ? time and flowchance ?
` i put my fingers upon a stream in a groove close by, wanting, hoping, to invite by touch some feeling kind towards it, to taste it in even other ways.. . and i did. the water molecules -- what strange phenomenon that they flow, infinite collisions and sure models model it but the thousands of million calculastion that happen.. as osmethign ir ead once, nature does not forget to make a calculation!
` it feels to me that such infintie amont of calculations being possible, somehow divides by zero and CREATES LIFE -- something far beyond mere calculations. beauty ? chaos and purity? i'm not sure;
` but it was a happy thing to even find myself sinking into a kind of happy meditative exercise or moment -- and not thinking of "how well" this moment was. surely, i didn't get very deep in meditation, bu tthere was an enjoyment even THAT i was attracted to it, you know? and furthermore that -- against possible traps of cruelty of doubt -- that is omehow JUST WAS there, my awful mind turned off enough or somoe spark of chance active, that i knelt down and enjoyed.
- (gh, only four mintues left to my internet terminal!) so there was this BIIIG building, skyrise, beautiful -- i leaned back.. then down on one knee.. then all the way down, leaning back on one arm. near the top third, was a single pride flag -- airplane height it might as well have been, it seemed so high! and it was flutterin in the wind -- slight given how small it was, but a kind of strange state of consciousness it began to induce..; few birds [so so so small!] intermitently flew in wafty arcs .. intermittent enough to feel kind of warmly austerley ehtereal o rstrange...;
` and the beauty of such foreshadowing.. plus the LARGENSS of it all
` -- is it like surrnder
` to something greater than you?
finally
` surrendierng
to some faith of beauty
even though you could never prove it?
is that from where i find happiness?
does it realte to teh impossible spark made psosible, when life is created,
or when happiness or suggestion of spirutality even s/starts/ to flow within me , downtown?
oh, how amazing my first pride was.
and when i began to really express myself, flamboyantly and proud.
not that no more,
but oh, what meoments and scenes history has held, yeah..?
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